I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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