Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
