I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
