I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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