hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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