I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
