Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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