why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
