True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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