if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
