and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
