I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
