dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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