Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
