At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
