it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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