Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize
