I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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