It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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