If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
