i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
