Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
