We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
