You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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