I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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