Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize