i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
