Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
