just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
