I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
