Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
