I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
