My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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