I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
