I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
