its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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