Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
