her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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