we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
