We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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