im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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