The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
