i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
