well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
