if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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