if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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