I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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