I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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