It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize