Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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