Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
