I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
