they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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