When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hope mine doesn't look like that
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
