I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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