I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
